THE ANTI-CRITIC BREAKDOWN: WHY SUBURBAN KNIGHTS FAILS AS A FILM

The Anti-Critic Breakdown was written for Busy Street, a satirical blog which is known for being heavily critical of the homebrew review community. My motivation for doing so has been questioned, but I have no regrets. It was a chance to go outside of my comfort zone and, frankly, I liked the irony of contributing to a site that twice directed it's gaze negatively in my direction.

A couple weeks ago, the owner of the site did a purge of nearly all of it's archived posts.

My article was among those on the chopping block.

I was debating re-writing parts of it before posting, but that feels... I don't know, dishonest somehow. So I'm presenting it here pretty much in it's unedited form. Though I did fix the formatting.

THE ANTI-CRITIC BREAKDOWN
All too recently the last entry in the Suburban Knight mini-series/movie was posted, thus ending the 7-part TGWTG anniversary event video. As is becoming a yearly tradition, each part has been matched with a corresponding Busy Street article by the peerless Classy J and Jordon.

Fitting that my first entry as an honorary Street Urchin should be on something so thoroughly dissected already. But then, I always was late to the party.

It seems the trend of most entries on the Street to keep the poster anonymous. Jordon certainly doesn’t sign off the posts he makes with a “This is Jordon saying ‘All the fanboys in the world won’t make you less of a douchebag.’”. And while this approach is admirable in the way of putting content above ego, in light of my chosen subject today, I think it’s actually better to tell you a little about myself.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
My name is B. D. MacDonald and I have applied to ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com three times. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a so-called TGWTG reject.

I’m also a filmmaker.

Not a filmmaker from the Robert Rodriguez school of filmmaking (“You’re a filmmaker the minute you decide you’re a filmmaker.”) which has allowed many people who’ve no business behind a professional camera to stamp the same label onto their doors as those who’ve spent decades earning it though mastery of the craft.

No, I’m from the John Ford school of filmmaking (“This photo has the horizon near the bottom and that one has it near the top. Only when you can tell me WHY, can you call yourself a filmmaker.”) where the designation requires more than just a camera and some editing software.

I’ve been actively studying the craft since 2003.

Now let me tell you about my stamp collecti-

…Yeah, okay, I’ll stop stalling.

Taken as fan service for the TGWTG community, both Kickassia and Suburban Knights are solid. But these aren’t being treated as fan service, are they? They’re “Films”, each rumored to have budgets higher than El Mariachi, Primer and Clerks combined.

So held up to that standard, do they stand up?

Let’s find out.

PRELUDES AND NOCTURNS - GETTING STARTED
In any movie the opening scene is among the most important. It sets the tone for everything that comes after. And what better place to start with Suburban Knights than at the beginning?

The first shot, coupled with the desolate sound of wind is actually really effective at setting the atmosphere of archetypal lonely desert road. This shot is strong composition-wise, with a low horizon emphasizing the emptiness and, again, the desolation of the environment. This is strong enough to last a while and build up-

Um… Well, that was abrupt.

Right, so this type of shot is called a “Dutch Tilt”. Its traditional use is to give a sense of discomfort in the viewer and will often make an appearance in horror films. However modern directors often use it as a way to make a shot more visually interesting. The danger with this style of composition is that it often calls attention to the camera.

In this instance it sets a sharp tonal contrast to the previous shot, thus losing that sense of setting and atmosphere so effectively built up.

Maybe they’re trying to build a sense of unease? Foreshadow the danger of the events to follow. Even then I don’t think-
SON OF A…! *Ahem.*

This, again in sharp contrast to what’s come previously, is a flat shot with low energy. This means the lines of action, subject, and the set itself all face side to side in relation to the camera (think 16-Bit era Mortal Kombat). This kind of shot is traditionally used in slapstick comedy… which admittedly is appropriate, but doesn’t mesh cleanly with what it’s cutting from. This is a very boring shot with weak composition.

And is that the sound of a motorbike?

…I’m sure a better sound effect could’ve been used for that.

I should point out that there’s no reason at all why the car couldn’t have entered in the first shot after a good 10 second build up for atmosphere. Then the shift in tone actually would’ve felt intentional and may’ve even earned a laugh.

Before we move on to the next shot, pay attention to the direction the car is facing.

As you’ve already noticed, the driver is facing in the opposite direction than his car is traveling.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the bane of the home-brew filmmaker’s existence: The Axis. They just crossed it.

The shot itself is nothing special, but it does at least adhere to the rule of thirds.

Our modern hippy friend picks up a hitchhiking Malachite and they carry on a conversation.

Now, in shooting a conversation between two people there certainly is no requirement to have both subjects in the same shot for the entirety of the scene. That said, having both physically appear together at some point in the scene gives a sense of the relation between the two characters and helps to better sell the idea that they’re actually in the same room together. Or car.

As you can probably guess from the lead up, there is no such shot.

But enough of the play by play minutia or we’ll be here all week.

BLAST FROM THE PAST AND OTHER OUTDATED POP CULTURE REFERENCES
One of the central plot elements is the disappearance of D&D gamer Chuck Jaffers in 1981. This time period plays a huge role in not only many of the gags but the backstory of most characters.

Given the central motif of Dungeons & Dragons in the movie, close association with this time period makes a lot of sense. It was the early 80’s in which the negative press was reaching its zenith, spurred further on by the publication of Mazes and Monsters. Given contemporary views on the subject, there’s a lot of comedy potential here. Not to mention the thematic parallels with the persecution of geekdom against the story being told.

I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt to the Walker brothers and assume all that was on their mind when they worked this date into the story.

Where they dropped the ball is in actually establishing this period and following through with unstated implications. In the selected examples below I’m going roughly in order of most minor to most major rather than their chronological appearance in the film.

- In Part Six it’s revealed that the gauntlet everyone’s searching for was replaced with a NES Power Glove by Jaffer. The NES was released stateside in 1985. The Power Glove wasn’t introduced until 1989. Jaffer was imprisoned Myst-style(1) since the early 1980s so how could he get a hold of a peripheral device that wouldn’t be released for eight years? One could excuse this as creative license, though.

- An old photo of villain Malachite is non-glossy with horizontal faded strips, indicating that this particular ‘30 year old’ photo had actually been printed off a color printer with minor ink issues. A dusty polaroid would’ve been perfect in this case.

- The mystical book of magic, presumably untouched for 30 years, not only has collected no dust it looks like it was purchased yesterday. Sigh… All they would’ve needed to give this an aged look is Earl Gray tea and a sponge.

- In Part One, the Nostalgia Critic shows a pre-recorded News Report covering Chuck Jaffer’s disappearance. Though supposed to be from the early 1980s, many people thought this was supposed to be a modern news report. Why?

• The News Logo Graphics feel digital instead of analogue.
• The image quality is indistinguishable from the rest of the movie.
• There’s a lack of period specific references beyond 'Mazes and Monsters'.
• The music is classical rather than something period-authentic such as synth.

You can’t always blame the audience for not ‘getting it’.

- Jaffer set up this convoluted protection system 30 years ago, and got his friends to be the guardians of it. Yet only two of the six of them look like they're not in their mid-20s. Um… math’s not adding up here, guys. And again, there’s a real untapped comedy well of having Jaffer face his friends who’ve grown old while he’s stayed young.

There are many more examples I made note of while watching the seven parts, and likely far more that I missed. Honestly though, most all of these complaints are issues relating to limited production knowledge and experience.

There are far bigger underlying flaw in this film than continuity issues or popcorn logic.

IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR SWEATE- UH, FILM
Our band of heroes encounter three sword-carrying cloaked figures. Fully believing the whole quest to be little more than an elaborate Live Action Role Play-style game, the leader confidently approaches them and “casts a spell” by throwing bird seed at the center figure in accordance to the rules of LARP. The figure then forms a glowing ball of blue power in his hands and our heroes run away in terror.

This scene actually is one of the high points of the film. The group’s leader, Spoony, is acting within his established character as an RPG player. It’s actually quite funny to see a character approaching a situation as an expert only for the reality to slowly dawn how completely out of his depth he is (and by extension the group). More than that, it effectively establishes the cloaked figures as being genuine threats.

So, how to they follow this up?

Do they break their adopted roles and have a moment of questioning the quest before accepting the call to action (a story beat which is actually in line with Joseph Campbell’s model of mythic storytelling)?

No, they stop at the nearest fucking park playground and start a Year One Brawl-style fight with the three highly powerful sorcerers.

There is no point at which the characters make that critical decision to stand for what they believe in and fight. They just go from running for dear life to clashing swords on swing sets. No overcoming fear. No character growth.

Movies live and die on the strength of their characters and the choices they make under duress. Neither Night of the Living Dead or The Thing would have the lasting power they do without understanding this. Nor would Aliens, Star Wars, Dr. Strangelove or National Lampoon’s Vacation.

Here, that opportunity for choice is stolen.

Worse, the cloak figures’ threat is undermined by having Spoony’s crew able to hold their own in their first conflict. There’s not so much as a wooden sword being sliced in half when faced with the steel of a real blade.

By characterizing these antagonists as being unable to dispatch a group of internet reviewers playing dress up it trivializes their eventual defeat at the hands of Malachite (spoiler). That story beat, supposed to reinforce the threat of the main villain, instead feels like a lazy, ham-fisted way of disposing of now superfluous characters.

And ultimately by making the villains a joke it makes the heroes’ victory feel empty and unearned. The entire movie becomes little more than an exercise in playing dress up.

FINAL FANTASY – BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER
Suburban Knights falters at some of the most basic levels of storytelling and character development. The film is largely sloppy in it’s editing, camerawork and writing. Running gags are extended beyond the point of being effective and the Brawl-style fight scenes are a narrative mess with too many characters and not enough choreography.

The most frustrating thing about this movie is how much potential it had.

No, really!

The core elements of a decent story are there, even if those elements are ineptly handled. It really would’ve taken very little to turn this into something genuinely entertaining.

I also have grudging respect for their production turn around. If it’s anything like Kickassia, and I think it’s fair to assume it is, they were able to shoot a feature length movie averaging 20-30 minutes a day. To compare, a low-budget film or television production might shoot 7 minutes in a day. At a stretch, 10 minutes. And on top of 12+ hour shooting days, the cast shot crossovers in their hotel rooms every day.

Further, I actually question the rumors of the film’s $50,000 budget. Doing a very rough budget breakdown, I came to a figure in the range of $20,000 to cover travel, hotel rooms, food, costumes, and props over a five day period for 30 people. Yes it adds up quickly but even then it could’ve been done for less.

But do production limitations excuse bad filmmaking? Hell no!

Do pop culture references replace the need for solid writing and character development? Not on your life!

And does being ignorant of basic film theory excuse not knowing how to make a film? Um… Probably, now that you mention it…

That’s it for this time, fellow street urchins! Until the next breakdown, I’m your friendly neighborhood Anti-Critic.

(1) Myst had characters imprisoned in books. But you already knew that, didn’t you.